I started questioning my gender at 26 years old. That’s when I began painting my nails and growing out my hair, and the feelings those changes to my appearance gave me were confusing.
For most of my life, I knew very little about transgender identities, so I always accepted discomfort with my body or with being perceived as a man as normal. But as I slowly learned more about trans and non-binary people, I realized that something else was occurring under the surface. Still, recognizing I might be queer when I was married and a few years into a corporate career was scary – and I wanted to be absolutely sure before I told anyone.
Figuring out if you are non-binary can be a difficult process and requires you to unlearn so much of what you’ve been taught about gender, so if you’re struggling like I was, hopefully this guide provides some clarity.
What Does It Mean To Be Non-Binary?
Non-binary means that you don’t fit the gender binary of man and woman. Some non-binary people feel both masculine and feminine, some switch between a boy and a girl, and some feel like they are outside of those gender labels altogether.
Being queer means you get to define your identity for yourself. It’s a rejection of society’s binary definition of gender, which is why “non-binary” is a spectrum – and it’s important to figure out for yourself where you fall on that spectrum.
Other labels for non-binary identities include agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, and demigender.
Are Non-Binary People Trans?
By definition, identifying as any gender other than what went on your birth certificate means you are trans. However, not all non-binary people feel comfortable describing themselves as trans. Some non-binary people find that describing themselves as trans feels right, while others prefer just “non-binary.” Again, that’s the beauty of being queer - the only “rule” is that you do what feels right to you.
But What About My Pronouns?
At this point, the answer probably won’t surprise you - but there are no rules when it comes to your pronouns. It’s common for non-binary people (like me!) to use the gender-neutral “they/them” pronouns. Others prefer “it,” “ze/zir,” or other gender-neutral options. Still others like no pronouns and just to be referred to by name; others are okay with gendered options like she or he. There are no rules! Try a few pronouns out and see what’s comfortable for you.
So How Do I Figure Out If I’m Non-Binary?
It’s a good rule of thumb that if you’re questioning your gender, then you probably are not cis. But figuring out what identity you are can be tricky.
Realizing my own gender identity later in life, I asked myself a bunch of questions about my understanding of gender, my own experiences, and how I thought about myself. These 12 questions helped me piece together my identity.
The Non-Binary Quiz
Questions to understand your personal concepts of gender:
1. What is a man (to me)?
2. What is a woman (to me)?
3. What do people assume my gender is?
4. Do I feel restricted by social gender expectations?
Questions to understand your interest in gender non-conforming identities:
5. Do I feel an unusual interest in concepts of gender?
6. Do I feel drawn to gender nonconformity?
Questions to understand your lived experience of gender:
7. What experiences made you feel uncomfortable with the label you were given?
8. Why does the label I was given feel uncomfortable?
9. Why don't I like being associated with that label?
Questions to understand the right label for you:
10. If I could choose, how would society see me?
11. What gives me feelings of gender euphoria?
12. What label or pronouns feel right?
These twelve questions will help you understand your internal concept of gender, how you feel about the labels given to you, and what feels right to you.
Take It One Step At A Time
Figuring out your gender identity is a long, confusing process. It took me months of questioning and self-discovery to find my identity, and several more months to feel comfortable coming out. But that’s the beauty of self-discovery - you get to take it at your own pace.
